Can’t Let Go

“So many tears I’ve cried / So much pain inside / But baby it ain’t over til it’s over.” – Lenny Kravitz, “It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over

I know kids. It’s been a week. I was bad, very very bad. In Barbie’s defense, the nine to five turned into a five (as in a.m.) to nine (as in p.m.) these past couple of weeks. The new gig is fantastic, but you know when you’re supporting people who work half way around the world (literally) it wreaks havoc on your life. And, no, I’m not complaining, because I did sign up for it, I’m just saying

And, there have been lots of things going on. I actually signed up to do the online dating thing. There have been some studs and some duds. And one meeting thus far. And, this weekend I’m heading up to NYC to party with the young, fly and flashy. And, there’s a chance (a pretty good one) that the Scorpion King (I finally decided that I liked that nickname) will be in the building. I was also recently elected to the Board of Directors for an organization that I care deeply about and the Mafia and I switched our vacay from Mexico to the Cayman Islands this week (damn swine-bird-who the heck knows flu!). So yeah – like I said, there has been lots going on.

But I didn’t come here to write about that today. I came to write about dreams. Specifically my dreams. Well two dreams. The same two dreams I’ve been having over and over and over.

Preamble (shout out to D-Magic!): I’m creeping up on the one year anniversary of Black Tuesday (as I’ve decided to refer to the break-up day). I didn’t think it would bother me, but I’m finding it’s actually bothering me quite a bit.

So, the long and short of these dreams are that they both involve moving. The first one has Voldy and I breaking up (well maybe post break-up) and we’re walking through my house tagging everything that is his. It’s like a divorce and we’re dividing assets. The other dream has me picking up and moving and putting my condo on the market. The location is always different – Florida once, New York City, San Diego – but I’m always moving somewhere.

I ran both of the dreams by Mini Me and she had some pretty insightful thoughts. She said (and I quote) “sounds like the dream is pretty blatant. You’re moving on and you know it. Your life is becoming completely different from anything you had with [Voldy]. Completely foreign. Now, whether or not you’re ok with this… I’d say you’re not sure.” I think she’s pretty accurate in her interpretation. Especially about me not being sure about things moving in a completely different direction. What you have to understand is that when I was with him, I always, always, always figured that the spring of 2009 would be our year. That we’d get engaged because he’d be done with school, I’d be stable in my career, etc. and that life was going to begin for us then.

Clearly – this is not the case. And, I think, deep down inside I kind of thought that within a year he’d come to his senses. That he’d come back to me, tell me how young, dumb and stupid he was and beg for my forgiveness. Now, in my head, I always shut him down and tell him that there’s no chance that would ever happen. But, almost a year later, I’m not sure if that’s the truth. What if he’s the Big to my Carrie and no matter where I go and who I end up with it all circles back to him?

I’m pretty sure that’s not the case at all. When I really sit down and think about it, I don’t want him. It still hurts some days, but I don’t want him back. I think that maybe my dreams signify the finality of the situation. That, if things were going to go the way I (or he or we) planned, they’d already be going that direction. And they’re not. They’re moving in opposite directions and pretty swiftly. And, I think I’m just now getting to a point where I can accept that and be OK with it.

So, dear readers what do you think? Any ideas on what the dreams mean? And do you think anybody will notice if I just spend May 27 in bed all day. Really? I’d rather just go to sleep on the 26th and wake up on the 28th. That would be ideal.

You know the drill, way in below.

Signed,
I’m Finally Letting Go Barbie

P.S. I’m putting the video for “It Ain’t Over” down here because I love the song. And I remember being completely blown away to learn that it was Lenny Kravits and not like Marvin Gaye or somebody. I know completely random but worth the listen!

~ by countryclubbarbie on May 1, 2009.