Breakin’ All the Rules

“You are remembered by the rules you break.” – Douglas MacArthur

That quote is so true. Most people throughout history, good and bad, are remembered for the rules they broke – not the rules they followed. Even in my own family it is so true. The funniest family stories are the ones about the rules my brother and I broke and how we tried to cover our tracks. Take, for example, the time I broke the “no nail polish on the carpet rule.” I spilled lime green nail polish (to match my lime green Fubu baseball jersey) all over the cream, Berber carpet in our loft. Instead of fessing up to my rule break, I moved all the furniture a half inch to the left. My mom still noticed and I got TOTALLY BUSTED!

Or, there was the time that my brother broke the “no stealing” rule and was taking a couple dollars at a time from my mom like she wouldn’t notice. One day after school, my mom called us into the living room, and opened the Bible to a story about how God struck two thieves dead for stealing from the church. My brother immediately sprang up, ran to his room and came back to the living room with a tear streaked face and a wad of cash.

See people, it doesn’t pay to break the rules. Except, lately, I’ve been seeing people break the rules left and right! And, while I’m a firm believer that some rules are meant to be broken (like, no white after labor day – hello, it’s still like 100 degrees on September 2) there are some that are not. Period. Dot. However, it seems that my friends and I are the only people who know these rules. I mean, the blatant rule-breaking is running rampant! It’s every where from The Hills to The Starter Wife to Desperate Housewives to desperate ex-girlfriends. And, well, I just can’t take it anymore! So, I’m going to share with you guys my top 3 rules that I think were NOT meant to be broken. Ever. Forever, ever? Yes, forever, ever.

Rule #1 – Thou shalt never, ever, ever send the letter. EVER!

When I was up in New York, I dinner with a good friend – we’ll call him Jake – and we were chatting about our respective love lives (or in my case, lack there of). Jake had given his girlfriend a pink slip much in the same fashion that Voldy had given me mine. Jake asked me questions about how I was taking the break-up and what did I do to start the healing process. I mentioned to him that I spent the first couple weeks pouring over my break-up bible and some of the funny (and not so funny) things that I had been going through (funny: throwing a pity party with cupcakes, ice cream and toni Braxton . . . not so funny: crying myself to sleep for like a month). And he looked at me, dead on and said, “did you write him a letter?” Why yes I did – and then, I ripped it up and threw it in the ocean when I went to Ocean City, MD with C-Murder. Jake, looked at his plate, then at me and said, “she sent it to me.”

At that, I screamed out (so loudly that the happy hour next to us looked at my all kinds of crazy) “YOU DON’T SEND THE LETTER!”

And here’s why: That man (or woman) has already had the pleasure of ripping your heart out from your chest, grinding it down to a pulp and then sprinkling the ashes into the toilet right before they take a piss and flush it all away (OK, that was kind of dramatic, sorry about that). They have ruined your life, taken your dignity and pride and made you feel like you’ll never be able to love again. They’ve sent you spiraling into a pit of despair and you’re not sure when or if you’ll ever be able to climb out. And the ONLY thing worse than this, is letting them have the satisfaction of knowing how bad you feel. I’m sorry, but I’m not giving you that satisfaction – ever in life! I can do bad all by myself; I don’t need you to know how bad I’m doing thankyouverymuch! No, ladies and gentlemen, you never send the letter. . . ever!

Rule #2 – Thou shalt not sleep with/go on vacation with/profess your love for someone and then break-up with them immediately after.

OK people, that is just wrong. On USA’s show, The Starter Wife, an athlete puts it DOWN on his wife and then, as they’re lying in bed – nekkid – he turns to her and says “this isn’t working.” Ummm what? Or, let’s use me for an example. Ken and I went on a fabulous vacation for 10 days in Europe. We stayed in Barcelona (where, my parents so kindly donated hotel points for us to use) for four days, cruised the Mediterranean for 6 days and made stops in Cannes, France and Pisa, Florence and Rome, Italy. And then, we got back to the states, that fool kissed me goodbye and that was the last I saw of him. Two days later he broke up with me.

You see where I’m going with this? It’s just shady! That poor man left his wife hurt, confused, discouraged, angry and nekkid! I was left hurt, confused, discouraged, angry and broke. It’s just not right. Be a man (or woman) about breaking up. It’s the right thing to do. If it’s not working then by all means have that conversation with your significant other . . . fully clothed . . . on US soil. . . before the vacation.

Rule #3 – Thou shalt not break The Code

Last night on Desperate Housewives Katherine was caught having an illicit affair with Susan’s (who happens to be her oldest and dearest friend on Wisteria Lane) ex-husband, Mike. My friends and I have an unwritten rule; we don’t go after each others exes. I’m letting them know right now, if I find out you were with Voldy, I’ll cut you. . . and I’m pretty sure that if I was with any of their exes I should expect a knife wielding crazy woman coming my way! I thought ALL women had this rule.

But, as evidenced on DH, The Hills, Baldwin Hills, 90210 (the old and new version) and a slew of other television shows and movies, that is clearly NOT the case. Did I miss the memo? Well, until I get the memo, I’m putting all of you on notice . . . I’ll cut you. Clearly, there are different levels of this rule. There are about 5 guys who make the “I’ll Cut You” list. Everyone else, is fair game. If you really want to take the time to deal with HMCA, Booty Call or Mr. I’m Just Wasn’t That Into Him – then by all means, go ahead.

But, please note, if you touch any one of the five men who make my List, that is grounds for immediate dismissal of our friendship. And, I’ll get my friends to freeze you out. Yup, I’m that petty and it’s that deep.

So, what do you guys think? Do you think there is ever an acceptable time to break these rules? Am I being completely asinine in my insistence upon following some of the rules? What rules do you have that will NEVER be broken? And, what rules do you break all the time?

Signed,
Breakin’ All the Rules Barbie

~ by countryclubbarbie on November 10, 2008.