Sweetest Goodbye

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do / To turn around and walk away.” – 98 Degrees, “The Hardest Thing.”

Countryclubbarbie: “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever agreed to do.  I think I’m going to throw up.  All over my new coat.”
Dmagic: “Calm down.  Take a deep breath.  Breathe.  You are strong and confident and you are going to get through this.”
Countryclubbarbie: “No I’m not.  I’m going to die.”
Dmagic: “You’re going to be fine. You can do this.”

I did something that I would classify as one of the top 5 most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life.  I went to dinner with Ken. I’ll say that again for you.  I went to dinner with Ken.  Take that look off your face – it’s true.  Trust me, I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) make this ish up.

It all started with an innocent enough text from Ken about life and work and things.  Then, somehow I learned he already had a new (and I’m sure, less cute) Barbie in his life and got an invitation to dinner all in the same text message.  And, before I could sit on my hands to stop them from replying, I was going to dinner with Ken. Ummm what just happened?  I’m still not sure what possessed me to say yes.  But I did.  I decided that it would be good for me.  That it would give me the last bit of closure that I needed – after all, we women are all about needing closure.

My friends had decidedly different opinions.  Although all of them told me to “do what I needed to do,” the reactions I got ran the gamut from “you go girl’ to “are you crazy” to “tell him you’re coming and then stand him up.” But, one of my guy friends said it best (I can’t tell you who, I might ruin his jackass reputation with my friends), “If that’s what you feel you need to do, then I’ll support you. And, if he leaves you crying and broken, I’ll be here to wipe away the tears and pick up the pieces.”

So, armed with the gut feeling that it was THE RIGHT THING TO DO and the knowledge that if I ended up an emotional wreck that at least one person would be there with a box of tissues and a bottle of wine (Riesling please) I prepared for my date with destiny (cue the ominous music).  I was in pretty good shape until about 3 hours before dinner.  That’s when I e-mailed D-Magic and told her that I was shaking and had pit sweat (she’s a true friend so she can handle getting information like that).  And I was shaking up until the moment he arrived.

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel the first time I saw him after The Great Divide.  Anger?  Sadness?  An overwhelming sense of grief?  Love?  I didn’t feel any of those things.  Mostly, I felt relieved that he didn’t stand me up. And a little bit of triumph when he told me that I was still “fly as ever.”  Then I sat down for what was, without a doubt, the most uncomfortable dinner of my life. It was weird, making small talk with a person who I shared the last 5 years of my life with.  It was worse than a blind date.  It was awkward with long pauses and he felt like a complete stranger to me.  And then, he brought up the inevitable.

I’ll spare you the gory details (which, surprisingly, save a few tears, weren’t all that gory).  I will say that I walked away from the conversation realizing a few things:

• He is happier now than I had seen him the last 3 months of our relationship (and that’s including the European vacation we took just days before the break-up – sorry, still a little bitter about that)
• I am happier than I had been in the last 3 months of our relationship (ditto on the vacation – kind of)
• I spent a lot of time planning my life around him – and I am so GLAD that I don’t have to do that anymore
• I’ve moved on much further than I thought from that relationship – and that’s a good thing
• I’m still “fresher than the next chick” (OK – I don’t KNOW that, but it makes me feel good)

At the end of the night, Ken walked me to my car and (without prompting or anything) he assured me that every minute that we were together he was invested and it was real to him. And, that was all the closure I needed (if he would have said that in the beginning we could have skipped the entire meal that I ordered and only took 2 bites of).  It let me know that I wasn’t the only one who had real feelings and that he was as invested in our relationship as I was.  And that for us, at that time, the relationship was right.  But now, at this time, it isn’t.  And that’s OK.  I don’t know if I’ll ever see or talk to Ken again.  But, if I don’t, I don’t need to.  I don’t have unresolved feelings or questions. The one thing I needed to know – was it real? – got answered for me.  (Trust me, I realize I’m lucky to have the answer to my unresolved issue)

Dmagic: “You sound like you’re doing OK, all things considered.”
Countryclubbarbie: “I am.  It was one of the top five hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  But also one of the top five best things I’ve done.”

As I drove home, I knew my dinner with Ken was exactly the right thing to do.  And, I didn’t die either.

Signed,
I’m Never Doing That Again in my Life Barbie (EVER!)

~ by countryclubbarbie on October 10, 2008.